How To Talk So People Listen

The credit for this article goes to Leil Lowndes and her wonderful book "How To Talk to Anyone" available in all good stores.

Everyone is born with stage fright. It stems from an inherent fear of being judged by others - as the wiseman saying goes "Man's 3 biggest fears (in order of hierarchy) are death, uncertainty and not being loved".

I remember the time when I was but a tween on the debating team and I was scared sh*tless (there are kids reading this blog) standing on a stage in front of a thousand strangers. On an unrelated point, do you how the term scared sh*tless came about? You know that "sick-in-the-stomach" feeling you get before an interview or generally when you encounter an anxious situation? It actually stems from a basic human instinct otherwise known as "fight or flight". It's our inbuilt natural response to lighten our bodies in order to facilitate the quickest escape possible. In layman terms, when you get scared, you literally sh*t yourself.

Not to digress, today's article isn't going to be a 101 on overcoming stage fright. Stage fright is normal and can be suppressed through continual exposure and practice.

What I'm here to advocate today are 5 instant-fixes you can apply to your communicating style to immediately get people to listen to you thereby increasing your confidence and in turn making you feel loved so you can cross out biggest fear no. 3.

Phew. Try saying that in one breath.

You can apply these tips in a one-on-one talk, group conversation or even when speaking on stage in front of a hostile audience.

5 Ways to Talk So People Listen

Speak calmly, slowly and clearly

Emotional people won't listen to anything you have to say, which explains why shouting matches don't usually get the message across to either side. Speaking slowly and clearly on the other hand, will.

Most people speak quickly and rush through their words when they're speaking to an audience of two or more. This is because most of us are worried that the person(s) we are talking to are not interested in what we have to say and may trail off in boredom if we go on too long.

That's true to an extent. If you're reading law and you're going to babble on and on to a medical student about how section 112 of the Criminal Procedure Code is giving you trouble in terms of whether a statement has to be voluntary to allow its admission into court, your audience is going to trail off regardless of your speed of speaking.

But irrelevant topics aside, speaking slowly and taking the time to pronounce each word in an articulate manner does wonders in bringing across an aura of confidence. But in doing this, the key is to not sound monotonous, and this can be done by employing a technique called pausing.

Take this routine conversation for example:

"Hey Dave, how you doin?"

"Hi Matt, I'm doing good. (pause, employ contemplative look) You know... (pause, continue employing contemplative look) actually I haven't gotten much done at work (pause) but I think I'm going to take the day off today to go home and read Straight Eye for the Straight Guy! (emphatically)"

These techniques are all designed to give your listener the impression that you're confident, interesting and that you believe in yourself enough to expect that your listener wants to listen to what you have to say.

Look your audience in the eye

The next time you're talking to someone, try counting the number of times they blink in 60 seconds. You would have effectively looked your conversation partner in the eye.

The dude who said "the eyes are the window into the soul" wasn't talking sh*t. I I I I I tell u, he wasn't talking sh*t. I I I I I repeat 3 times. Not talking sh*t. (I'm not political, but I thought it might be funny. I'm sorry.)

Studies have shown that when a man looks a woman in the eye while talking to her, her heartbeat increases rapidly and her mind subconsciously interprets this reaction as *gasp* attraction. Be careful when doing this to a man though - not because of the latter reason, but rather because to a man, it can be interpreted as a sign of aggression.

How to look someone in the eye.

How not to look someone in the eye.

In any case, don't stare. Staring is rude. Look into their eyes periodically and with intensity especially when you want to drive home a point.

Use hand gestures

With all due respect to my Indian compatriots (who are, by majority, wonderful communicators), hand gestures can be a great way to emphasize a point and add some flair to an otherwise bland topic.

That being said, make sure your hand gestures are appropriate to the context of conversation. Flailing your arms wildly whenever you're making an order at a restaurant won't suddenly make you a charming and interesting person. Though it might suddenly turn you into a jailed, hungry one.

Adopt the right posture

If you want to appear passionate and intense, lean forward when you're putting forward a point.

If you want to appear aloof/relaxed/confident, lean backwards into your chair.

In any case, a bad hunched posture is a deal breaker. The second you appear before the eyes of your audience, a bad standing/sitting posture instantly drops your first impression rating by something in the range of 50,000 points. Correcting your posture is by far the fastest way you can change the overall first impression you put forth.

Lean with your back against a wall. The only two parts of your body that touch the wall should be your bum and the back of your head. Now, slowly walk away from the wall. That's your perfect posture.

Get a friend to remind you about your posture, check yourself out in the mirror every 10 minutes, talk to yourself "head up, back straight", imagine you're biting an apple that's hanging from the doorway everytime you pass through it..., make it a priority to get your posture right.

Relate to them

The next thing I'm going to say may be one of the most important truths you're ever going to hear in your life - people are generally only interested in you if they think you're interested in them.

Try it. The next time you talk to someone, try listening instead of speaking. Say nothing about yourself. Instead, pepper your conversation with affirmative words - "Thats interesting!", "I understand", "I can relate to that", "I totally know what you're talking about". By the end of the conversation you would have said less than a hundred words, yet your conversation partner is likely to be thinking "I have never met a better conversationalist in my life!".

The truth is, human nature is self-serving. We are only interested in things that concern ourselves. Nobody wants to hear someone going on for 30 minutes about a topic that they're not interested in, because there's no them in that topic.

For the sake of further illustration:

Jane: Tarzan! How's it hanging?

Tarzan: It's hanging very well, thank you. Jane, that's a beautiful loincloth you're wearing (focusing attention away from himself and onto the opposite party)

Jane: Yeah. I love loincloths! I have loincloths in every shade, green purple blac babble babble babble

Tarzan: Wow fascinating.

Jane: *Babble babble babble*

Tarzan: They must be really precious to you.

Jane: *Babble babble babble*

Tarzan: Uh-huh *nod*

Jane: *Babble babble...* Tarzan its so nice talking to you!

Tarzan: Totally. You seem like a very knowledgeable person when it comes to loincloths.

Jane: *swoon*

And that my friends, is how Tarzan, Jr. came about.

Of course, if the other party isn't a chatterbox, you're going to have to get things going. Do it by noticing small details about the other party, e.g. a book he/she is carrying, clothing, accessories, etc. Look at the person, make an evaluation - is he well built? Ask him which gym he goes to. Is he dressed well? Ask him where he buys his clothes.

Needless to say, it's perfectly okay to spill a few details about yourself here and there (especially if you're on a date - it's not meant to be like an interview), but the rule of thumb is always to have an approximate 2:1 listening to speaking ratio.

In essence, there are infinite ways by which you can relate any topic of conversation to anyone - the limit is your creativity.

This is Straight Eye for the Straight Guy, signing off.

Happy communicating!