22:25
Saran
LDR what?
Here's an acronym worth knowing, as essential as the ever-saving LBD. Lil' Black Dress if you were wondering.
The Kardashians in LBDs
So. It's the LDR, also known as the dreaded Long Distance Relationship.
You fall in love with an amazing girl, with the thought that she'll never leave your side.
Well, she does and- BAM! You're saying your stiffly sniffles, waving goodbye and assuring her (and yourself) a little distance won't hurt.
Welcome to the LDR Club.
You're officially in a 'Long Distance Relationship'.
Cringing at the thought?
Considered one of the worst types of relationships as the distance may not necessarily make the heart fonder, but in fact yonder far...and beyond, thank your lucky stars you're not in one.
But if you are and still going strong, well I say brownie points and may you survive the distance and time until you are finally together (literally).
Luckily for you, I've got some effective advice for surviving a Long Distance Relationship.
1. It's HARD work, so it needs EXTRA effort
Not nobody, but everybody has had something to say before you embarked on one of the hardest journeys ever: Keeping your relationship with that girl who is a 2 hour flight away from you or even worse, in a -8 hour timezone.
Have free text and minutes? Use it on your relationship.
No such luxury?
Make use of Skype, Oovoo (up to 6 people can video talk at once) or even Facetime through your swanky new iPhone 4s while shopping for groceries at downtown Tesco because you are missing that pasta dish she makes so well and recreating it will make you feel thaat much closer to her.
Facetime on the iPhone
Committed men tend to handle LDRs better (in my experience), but well, you know women.
Nag, nag, nag.
Whine, whine, whine.
Cry, cry, cry.
Dudeee. But you're still there for her because this distance hubba is just temporary and you really, really do love her.
Women in an LDR hate feeling insecure so any decreased activity in affection will result in an atomic bomb blowing up over the phone. Or even that dreaded text: I hate you I never want to talk to you again!
LDRs need even harder work and it tests the capability of the both of you whether you can weather the storm (of a couple of months, or even years).
Question is, can you take the extra mile?
I've witnessed quite a number of failed LDRs, and it's saddening to see how one just stops working on the relationship.
Love gives life, and life keeps you living. When love diminishes, it just brings death.
It's a fact. Heartbreak is painful.
I always say: A relationship shouldn't be a one-way road. Give and take.
That's how some LDRs are able to work. Each partner gives love, and both receives love. It's a win-win beneficial relationship which then grows and strengthens your bond.
2. Be Understanding
He's in a different time zone. She's working a night shift.
Don't give your partner beef because she wasn't on Skype at the promised time.
Creating fights when you are not in close proximity takes a longer time to heal so try not to get upset over trivial issues.
3. Communicate Daily
Here's one of the best advice on keeping a relationship strong. Long distance or not. You have to communicate with one another EVERY, SINGLE day (if you can).
Bollocks about "we're cool, we can just Skype over the weekend" crap. Events happen so quickly, especially if you're both busy that weekend chats will pass by in a blur.
You don't want to wait until the weekend to share your thoughts, experiences, etc. You might even forget the urgent issues and further widen the communication gap between you two.
Too tired? Text your lover goodnight, sending instructions where to meet you in your dreams. At least when your partner reaches home he'll be able to sleep with a smile on his face, knowing that you love him.
Communication builds a strong foundation of understanding, and you become more emphatic towards what your partner is experiencing in her part of the world.
4. Don't Stray
With or without an LDR. It's a no-no rule in the relationship bible.
Straying just because that chick was more convenient (right there to talk to, etc) is wrong.
Before you undress her with your eyes (and soon enough, fingers), imagine how YOU would feel if your girlfriend back home a thousand miles away happens to be doing the same exact act to a man who isn't you. Also, one who is possibly hotter, funnier & smarter than you?
Like shit, right?
So just don't do it. It's not worth losing your relationship.
5. Set Future Goals
A long distance relationship should always have an expiry date, so the both of you can expect when this long and tedious long distance relationship will end.
Remember. Internally, women have biological clocks and whether or not it has kicked in, if you can't give a definite answer when you are coming back chances are she might be looking elsewhere later on to not waste her time on you.
6. Keep the Spark ALIVE!
Long distance relationships are a breeding ground for inactivity and boredom, so relight that spark or keep it going on by being creative.
Surprise her with a visit, plan trips together, send her a handwritten love letter (e-mails just don't cut it, sorry. Letters have that 'raw' edge and really, when was the last time you received a personal love letter other than bills?), and loads more!
There are so many creative and cool ideas you can muster up (or source online) and present to your woman.
Even if some are downright lame, she'll applaud your initiative and this will earn you brownie points redeemable when you next see her... Now boys, wouldn't you want that? ;)
I hope that helped!
P.S: If you're asking if it's worth it being in a Long Distance Relationship... Well, if you can imagine yourself with that beautiful person in the future and it feels right, then by all means, follow your instinct!
Oh, and a Happy Rabbit Year to all!
- Saran
xx
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10 comments:
So what happens when the girl (mind you-is in a relationship) but also throws herself pathetically at guys around her because of the fact that her bf isn't around to quote unquote set HER straight? (note the intended pun) I would think those actions would send misleading signals to the guy, right? Or maybe the fact that those actions may instigate and fuel conflicts between the guy and his partner if hes's in a relation? Does that not violate #4 on your list? hmm Maybe girls (like yourself) ought to practice what they preach as well, no? Quit your day job and leave the leading by example or if you fancy, giving advise to those who can actually speak intelligently and honestly on the subject. So much rubbish.
Sincerely,
-not a fan of pretentious slores.
Dear Anonymous,
It sounds like you've had bad experiences in the past. If you had, I'm sorry the girl in question isn't a correct representation of a relationship.
I'm only speaking from my own experiences and for your information - I am in an LDR! And currently we're going very strong. We've been dating for a few years now and currently we're not even in the same time zone, let alone country! But you know what keeps us strong? The same 6 reasons I listed out. I do ALL of them, and more.
If the testimonies of my man and I have been good: You guys are the loveliest couple, great together, yin & yang, etc - then there must be something right we're doing in our relationship.
If you are having problems, I only hope the best for you.
-Saran
my simple rule..
don't do anything you don't like your partner doing...
before doing anything...
awesome post babe! Loving it!
How certain are you that he is not 'doing' other chicks over there? Only when you and him end up together literally like for instance, you are already MARRIED to him, then only i think you have the say you know. For now, its still uncertain for both of ur relationship. Yeah you are bold enough to say that you're going strong. But how CERTAIN are you? You cannot just simply come up with 6 list of what to do when u're in LDR just because you are going strong with your bf.
also how certain is he that you're not violating your "6 reasons" as well?? Purely judgmental here but basing it on how you conduct yourself your blogs and its content ... surely bet that there are instances where your actions were questionable as well. given this is a blog to "help" others you're simply enforcing on others what you deem is "right" ...you fail to give an unbiased outlook on the subject therefore this post is a waste of space and frankly waste of my time, there goes ten minutes I'll never see again.
Dear Anonymous,
There are a few things in your posts that reveal a fundamental flaw in the way you view relationships. I seek not to chastise you for it, but I hope to somehow empower you towards a paradigm shift.
Here are a few things I have an issue with, please bear with me..
Your arguments appear to be built on a foundation of cynicism fuelled by distrust. In your first post, you imply that one function of a bf is to be "around to set her straight", presumably in the company of other men. I have a few issues with this statement. Firstly, (your incorrect attempt to "quote unquote" a statement that does not even appear in the original article aside) it reveals that your concept of the dynamics that dictate a loving relationship is flawed. In the context of a mature romantic relationship, two people come together because they see in each other something worth committing themselves to. By the same token, relationships end when two people deem whatever it is they see in the other person unworthy of the commitment. Thus commitment is something that is a conscious decision made freely on the part of both sides of the relationship - it is definitely not something that should or can be enforced by the other party, for that is imprisonment. Now let me pre-empt the rebuttals I think are forming in your mind by expounding on the subject of imprisonment.
Imprisonment can take many forms, the most obvious two kinds are physical (i.e. your reference to physically be there to set said gf straight)or emotional. Now emotional imprisonment is a slightly more abstract topic that needs careful explanation and is best illustrated with examples: A and B are in a relationship. A feels tied down by his commitment to B for a variety of possible reasons and begins to question if his commitment is worth the effort. He is then posed with a choice to 1) end the relationship 2) try to change things in his relationship so he doesn’t feel tied down. At no point should A feel obliged to stay with B just because they are a couple. If B knows he's having second thoughts, under no circumstances should she feel like A owes it to her to stay with her. A doesn’t owe B anything, and vice versa. And they most definitely do not own each other. They should be together because they want to be. If A chooses to go with option 1) and end the relationship by cheating on B, then he's a dick and sure A will have every right to be angry (because of the lack of respect for her as a person rather than because he owes it to her to be completely asexual around other women) but in the grand scheme of things if A chose to do that to B, then the relationship most probably a bad fit. In a good fit, A and B would work things out. Policing each other, believing the other owes something to us should not be part of a relationship. Love is given, not enforced.
Another theme I want to bring up is the implicit undertones of your belief that a member of the relationship should not be able to have fun with members of the opposite sex and that somehow doing so would constitute a form of cheating. Honestly, how many women worth having a committed relationship with throw themselves pathetically at guys around her? If she wants casual sex, an orgy or even if she just wants to fulfill that fleeting dream of being spitroasted by two well endowed Mexican bodybuilders with handlebar moustaches, good on her because she has a right over her own body. But the inference is that she clearly doesn’t think being committed to her bf is worth it. Fair enough! Her bf is probably a lucky man he dodged that bullet! If she’s cheating on him but puts on the guise of being faithful, then the relationship is a hollow one that cannot be defined as committed will eventually end – probably for the best for both parties. What I think you mean when you say “throwing herself pathetically at guys” is simply enjoying the company of men that don’t happen to be her bf. Why can’t she? If she decides she doesn’t want to cheat she won’t. Both men and women want to feel attractive and have fun which is an entirely normal thing. I think certain people find it unacceptable because there is an underlying insecurity of ‘what if she spends time with him and finds him more attractive from me’. All I can say is: confidence. Green-eyed monsters that are short on the self-esteem juice are not attractive individuals and have no business involving themselves in a serious relationship. For before we can truly love others, we must love ourselves. Real relationships aren’t a competition of how high one can obtain and keep hold of a partner with a certain set of qualities (e.g. beauty, money, intelligence, a large penis, a rocking rack.. you get the idea). Real relationships are about finding someone that fits. Simple as. If it’s right for both parties, the relationship will continue, if something changes, the relationship ends. Good end or bad end, in the grand scheme of things its best parties because both are now free to find another person that fits.
You also seem to equate marriage with a strong relationship. True, marriage is the epitome of a strong relationship, as it involves making a promise to God of your commitment. However, two people can be in a very strong relationship and not be married. The self-sustaining principle of worthiness to stay committed can be applied here as well.
I for one think that the 6 rules the author has written in her blog: effort, understanding, good communication, faithfulness, having a common goal to strive for and keeping the spark alive are by no means sole elements of an exhaustive list. But I think it’s a good list. Without being blasphemous, even the wise Moses came down from the mountain with only 10 rules to govern all our lives… I also don’t feel that she intended this list to be a prescriptive diet to be strictly adhered to by all. More than that, I feel that she is sharing a piece of herself with us by revealing how she chooses to show her commitment to her man despite the distance. I don’t know about you but there is something special about being allowed a glimpse into someone’s emotional point of view.
Lastly, I don't understand why you have made personal attacks on the author. "hmm Maybe girls (like yourself) ought to practice what they preach as well, no? " - how do you know this girl doesn't practice what she preaches? "how you conduct yourself your blogs and its content ... surely bet that there are instances where your actions were questionable as well." How can you bet her actions were questionable if you don't know this girl personally or intimately? I have a big problem with those statements of yours as they are bigoted, unfocused and I honestly think you owe her an apology for launching unfounded personal attacks that in no way facilitate logical debate.
There go 20 minutes of my time spent trying to empower another human being to believe in people, faith, and love.
PS. Forgive my apparent lack of literary nous but I am seriously unable to note any intended pun in your first post
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